It's Do-Nothing Day, everyone! =D

At least, for me it is. And I have missed the days when I just do nothing but laze around at home, spend hours browsing the web without searching for anything in particular. And just staying in bed the entire day. Today I have an exhaustive list of things to do on this special day (the day after the last day of exams). I'm gonna be real busy.

1. Dye my roots/hair
2. Make myself a cup of coffee... Maybe 2 cups since I'm having a splitting headache
3. Eat everything in the fridge
4. Blog
5. Go on tumblr (all the time)
6. Put on my face mask
7. Do my nails
8. Watch 500 Days of Summer
9. Sleep (if possible)
10. Watch Juno (at night)

Okay, phew!! As you can see, I have a really exhausting day up ahead. Loads of things to do. And so far I'm only done with task number 2 and I'm in the midst of task number 3.

Eventhough I am so completely broke out of my mind, I just cut into my savings like a loser to buy stuff for myself yesterday 'cos it was the last day of the exams and I wanted to reward myself with shopping. 'Cos I am a girl. And there is NOTHING in this world that is better than the feeling of buying stuff that you don't necessarily need but really want. At first I really wanted to buy a dress for myself. And like some sweaters. But that's the wonderful thing about shopping, it never goes the way you expect it. So, after trying one on, I'm gonna purchase a pair of thigh high leather boots. I don't care if people will label me as 'hooker-wannabe' or a show-off, I just want one to add to my shoe collection and I kinda wanna experiment and try out the dingy Taylor Momsen look. When else can I wear it except now, when I am a young adult.


And then I stuck to my shopping list and bought myself a tube of lipstick. Actually, I wanted to buy MAC's Morange Amplified lipstick, which is an almost fluorescent shade of orange. But Gaya told me not to buy it yet and buy instead a tube of proper red lipstick first (with a hint of orange) before I jump into the 'Ke$ha' wagon. I was like FIIIIIINNNEEEE. But I am so gonna buy it next month. Orange lips are so awesome. But I really love the shade of red I bought from Sephora. It's really bold and pops so, I can't wait to wear it out with just mascara and a little liner. It would be my FRENCH LOOK!!


Gaya bought a tube of burgundy lipstick. At first I was like WHOA, Goth much. It was really rich and almost maroon. But she just tried it on for the fun of it and surprisingly it looked really great on her. It was highlighted her lips without making her look like a corpse (which I had expected to happen). And so we walked out of Sephora with our tubes of lipstick and went out to shop a little more.

The lipstick was the highlight of my shopping really. 'Cos I have always wanted to wear a shade like that. I have been wearing Nivea Lipbalm and nude shades all my life. Now that I am 20 and an adult, I can wear lipstick without my parents screaming at me to 'act my age' and not try to look so old. Eventhough American girls wear lipstick at the tender age of 14. So, NOW, my mum can't say anything. I know that I am Asian... Or Middle Asian (whatever). And I know that this is just the result of the media and the Western values it has instilled in my subconscious. But I do wish I was more Caucasian looking simply 'cos I lean towards the western form of beauty. I love the oriental beauty too! Don't get me wrong, just that I just wish I had the whole light-coloured eyes and fair, pastey skin and light-coloured hair. AND their height and leg proportions. AND facial features such as their sharp noses and such.

I know. I am a total loser for saying that. And I should be happy with myself and blah blah blah 'Oprah speech' blah blah.

But I can't really help it. I wish I could completely alter myself to look like HER (Liv Tyler).


I'm afraid I can't pull off the look. But I really wanna try it at least. Then I know that I tried it out. My mum has these old polaroids and photos of herself being all 80s and hippie with the big hair and baggy clashing clothes and then my dad had these really cool photos of him with his friends wearing bell-bottoms, band tees, with a mustache and smoking. They had fun finding out who they are while they were young. but that was mostly 'cos they didn't live in Singapore back then and they can be whoever the hell they wanna be over there. Pictures of them dating and in concerts and on road trips with a bunch of friends. It looks super cool. And then I think about my youth and my pictures of nothing but Orchard Road. It's really sad.

And then there's the fear of dressing up and being outlandish 'cos of the stupid public transport and how everyone will just STARE at you like you're an alien and how you can hear people whispering and judging you. Saying how impractical your clothings are and whatnot. There is seriously, nothing in this country.

Somehow, my senseless do-nothing bimbo post about shopping became a self-reflection of my youth and this country. God. I should stop over-analysing things. The bottom line is, at the very least, eventhough everyone else will judge me if I wear my future thigh-high boots and red lips, I know that my closest friends won't.

'Cos they accept me for who I am and who I will be. And who knows who I'll be in the next few months?

Youth = Experimentation

CHECK THIS OUT!!



This is so freakin' awesome, I can't even think straight! Right, so yesterday was a pretty good day spent alone and being my own company. Realized that I am a fun person to hang out with. I doused myself in insane amounts of coffee as I foresee that I will somehow pass out and fall asleep during the boring History/Nation-building paper I had that day, and it worked! I stayed awake and to be honest, I thought the questions were quite fun to do. They were much broader than I expected so I managed to smoked something out of it. And then, I headed immediately to HMV 'cos earlier that afternoon I received a call to say that Danger Days has arrived.

BOOYAH!

So I went there in the evening and got my CD along with a free poster!! Although I am not planning on replacing my old MCR poster that's hanging in my room, simply 'cos there's Bob there and I MISS BOB. *sobs* I have heard the songs and get this, the genre is no longer emo-rock as it was in previous albums. But now it's under 'PUNK'?!! I was like whuuuut. C'mon, MCR. Why the sudden change? Well, I won't post a review of the album just yet as I only heard the album once through. I would need some time to actually listen to them properly. But it is safe to say that this is supremely different from the usual brand of music that MCR dishes out. Which is rather nice but at the same time rather disappointing 'cos there was nothing wrong with their old brand of music.

Marriage just changes everything. God.

It's so obvious that these tracks were made post-marriage. It's less hardcore and more mellow. Okay, I won't say anymore. But what I will say is that I am so happy that I got FRANK LERO for my promo sticker. 'Cos if you buy the album now, they have a special promo sticker inside. Obviously I was hoping to get Gerard or Frank. And on my way home, I will guiltily admit that I was hoping it wasn't Ray. Don't get me wrong, I love that guy. He is filled with nothing but awesomeness from his roots of his afro to the tips of his toes. But I still have my favourites. And lately, I have been liking Frank more and more. So when I opened up the CD case as found the Frank sticker I was ecstatic!



HMV is a super awesome place, really. But I missed the old one at Heeren which had like 3 levels (or was it 4?) and I could spend hours there listening to new bands and looking at album art and the headphones. Speaking of headphones, I am absolutely DYING to get my hands on a pair of Urbanears headphones. Especially since my current earphones are screwing up. But OMFG, they cost a BOMB. 100 bucks practically. Yet, they seem so worth it 'cos they look so damn gorgeous. I'll have to analyse my budget and see if I can afford it somehow. =(

Alrighty, so in about afew hours I'll be having my New Media paper, which will be in MCQ (Holla!) but I've only studied it for like 3 measly hours and just breezed through the lecture notes. It was all Alex Day's fault and I watched his entire 'Alex Reads Twilight' series last night. Well, I do admit that the fault is partially mine, but mostly it's his fault 'cos how can I NOT click on the next video? It's so bloody addictive.

I have had 2 hours of sleep YET AGAIN. Big surprise there (NOT). I do hope I can last the day 'cos I've got language class tonight. Which btw, I am totally screwed for since I have not touched the homework my teacher gave us. Not to mention there's a spelling test and 2 essays to finish.

OH, WELL. I'll figure something out. Somehow.

(On a side note: This is my 333th post! Congrats to me.)

Let me just say that it is, in fact, 5.12AM and I am still wide awake and browsing through youtube.

On the day of my exam.

Brilliant, really.

I predict that I will have about 2 hours of proper sleep before I wake again. It is a VICIOUS cycle. God knows how I will keep my head on straight during the paper. Which I know will be dead boring. (Why the fuck did I take up a level 2000 history module is beyond me. I was completely misled by the course description and was tricked into this stupid module which I utterly DESTEST. AND I was probably possessed) I just hope I don't randomly fall asleep during the paper. 'Cos I do that. Like just randomly fall asleep without me realizing and then there is this awkward moment when I dunno what time or day it is and I get pissed off at myself for falling asleep.

RIGHT. I have to somehow get myself sleepy or exhausted so, I dunno. I'm gonna put on a face mask and pretend I'm in some relaxing spa. Hopefully, I would get some sleep out of it.

DAMN INSOMNIA. And on my EXAM day of all times.

TODAY IS THE DAY.

The day that I've been waiting for since 2006. I never thought this day would come and I gave up halfway thinking that this day was just a dream that would never be fulfilled. AND YET IT HAS ARRIVED. I am gonna be sitting by my phone anxiously, waiting for HMV to give me a call and say those glorious words, "It has arrived."

OH YES. 22nd Nov!!

For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, OMFG, have you been living under a ROCK? Let me spell it out for you.


Art is the weapon. The Aftermath is Secondary. Killjoys, MAKE SOME NOISE.


OH MY FUCKING GOD. MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE IS BACK!

I am so excited right now.

Okay, back to studying (slash) panicking.

Okay, I am completely hopeless really!

Tomorrow would be my Nation-building examination and I have been glued to my laptop screen (Alex Senior) for the entire day, only managing to complete about half of my topics 'cos I am so distracted by everything else. Not to mention that that was a Britain's Next Top Model marathon on Star World, which I accidentally watched and got hooked on till the end. So, now, everything I am typing is being read aloud in my head in a British accent. Plus, I've been watching Alex Day's youtube videos so I might even start speaking with a British accent. It's so bloody addictive.

YOU SEE. God, can't believe that I just said 'bloody'.

And this would be the week that I'll be watching Harry Potter 7, hopefully, as celebration for the end of this stinkin' semester. I foresee that by the end of this month, I would be speaking in British. I would exclaiming, "Blimey!" and "Ruddy Brilliant" and drinking tea all the time. Well, I do that anyway. I HEART TEA. And Coffee. Anything with caffeine, actually. 'Cos I am a Modern Legal Junkie. (That btw, is someone who is addicted to caffeine, nicotine and/or painkillers) I suppose the US would be adding Marijuana to that list.

Oh, the Americans and their liberal thinking. Pfft.

Of course, you do know that I am only typing this 'cos I am procrastinating, yet again from revising my Nation-building chapters. But that's only because everytime I read a line my mind just wanders and I absorb NOTHING. I suck at studying. I think I have reached my capacity for learning in the past 12 years. And I have never had that THIRST for knowledge that most people in university have. So, I assume that I will do poorly, especially for THIS module 'cos it is THE ABSOLUTE WORST and I hate it to the CORE. And as I have said in my previous blog entry, I really dun give a damn anymore really. It's the truth and not just some one time, emotional breakdown and then I would pick myself up and start studying like a madwoman and somehow by the miracle of God's grace, I score a perfect CAP score or whatever. Nooo. Things like that only happen in 'The Pursuit of Happyness'.

Have I told you that I am in so much pain right now 'cos my tongue is almost completely covered in ulcers. I think I have about 5 ulcers in my mouth, right now. But I can't really tell 'cos my mouth is just in constant burning pain ALL THE TIME. And you would think that would stop me from eating. That would be the case for any normal person, which apparently, I am not. I have the appetite of a starved rhinoceros.

So much for trying to lose weight.

Which by the way, is what the whole country seems to be embarking on and emphasizing. This morning my dad threw a piece of newspaper at me (which I caught with my ninja cat-like reflexes *LIES*) and it basically said, "YOU ARE FAT. HERE are tips to lose weight AND LOOK 20 YEARS YOUNGER!" No thanks, dude, I dun wanna look like a foetus. Or embryo. Whatever.

Now, the freakin' NEWSPAPER is calling me fat. It's like a conspiracy.

OMFG!! It's past midnight!! It's the exam day itself and I am not done with revising AT ALL. Not to mention, I've got a shit week ahead.

This would be my cue to panic. Excuse me.

Tomorrow is my big political science exam and I can't be bothered with it. I can't be bothered with the exams. I can't be bothered with stupid effed up NUS. Whatever. I'm done. What's the point of working so hard when I get NOTHING in return or no acknowledgment
whatsoever of my efforts? I am not meant to be here 'cos I am just not smart enough okay?! I am NOT SMART ENOUGH. I don't even KNOW wtf I am doing in this place. I don't deserve to be here, seriously. There are thousands of smarter kids out there who would gladly take my place and I feel bad for being a waste of space, resources and money to everyone really.

I am sorry.

For being stupid, okay. I am sorry. So don't expect me to do spectacularly and get some honours program and win awards in this place 'cos I won't. I just won't. And even if I TRY I won't. 'Cos I am just in WAYYYY over my head here. Everyone around me is some sort of genius or at least smarter than me. Even in Theatre Studies, which I THOUGHT I had some talent in, I was proven wrong in the practical exam when they SHREDDED the play I directed into bits. And I had put in SO MUCH fucking effort in the whole thing. And within 20mins of Q&A, (more like let's-just-destroy-their-hopes-time), they CRUSHED me to the point where I had to bite back my tears backstage in the darkness as we strike-out. What's the point really?

And my political science assignment was shit. Eventhough I vested hours and hours into that paper, it came out shit 'cos I am full of shit. And everyone else in that damned place have this habit of unconsciously rubbing in my face how they got SO MUCH better than me and yet they are still dissatisfied. WOW. Thanks. Just when I thought I hit rock bottom, turns out I could be squashed a metre deeper.

Basically, uni is supposed to be a place where knowledge and hidden potential is discovered and you take a step to the right track for the future. But uni in my case just VALIDATED everything I didn't want to know about myself. That I am talentless, dumb and useless. So don't even try 'cos there is no way you can ever be one of the REAL 'undergraduates' around here. Bottom line is: You suck, Hanan, you freakin' suck.

Well, I hear you loud and clear, NUS. I hear you.

So, I shall throw in the towel 'cos all my efforts didn't even scratch that armor of nerd around you. That's it. I don't give a shit anymore. I just want the damned exams to be over, which will be by next week. And I will relish EVERY MOMENT that I away from that stinkin' place after that.

Today, I had a number of people criticizing me. I was called ugly and looking like shit twice today on different occasions and by different people. And my dad for the first time ever in my life called me fat today. Usually it's my mum who would say such things. So the fact that my dad said it, means that it is obvious and true.

To sum it up, for some reason, today everyone kept reiterating that I am 1) Ugly and 2) Fat.

Wow. Thanks, guys. I feel so warm and fuzzy inside. I already knew these facts long ago, there is no need to say it to my face, even if it is 'disguised' as a joke. And a BADLY disguised joke, I might add.

My self-confidence is at its all time lowest point now. Which is really sucky. I wanna do something about my weight but I never have the willpower to become anorexic and I can't throw up. There's no time to exercise so, I guess I'm stuck.

I just wish I can get plastic surgery and sculpt myself into the type of person I had always dreamed of looking.

Why I just said all this blatantly is simply 'cos I am used to it. And 'cos they are the major happenings of my day today. Except for the other fact that I went through more than 24 hours without sleeping due to some stupid assignment. I just did it the whole night and went to school after that since it;s about that time anyway. Yea, so not only am I exhausted, I was verbally assaulted today.

What a wonderful world.

It is 3.20am and I am WIDE AWAKE.

DAMN YOU INSOMNIA!!

And damn you Gossip Girl for being the centre of my life and my reason for living. I look forward to every Tuesday and get high on happiness as I watch it and peak. Then I fall into depression as I wait for the next episode. My main reason is of course, CHUCK & BLAIR. I realize that due to the happenings of this week's episode, my tumblr is a major spam-age of Chuck & Blair stuff. Haha. Excessive, I know. But it's all about living vicariously through fictional characters. And to make up for the absolute lack of drama, hot people and love in my life.

I have to dedicate the whole of tomorrow to doing my theatre studies fieldwork. Hopefully I can finish it in time.

Today, the most amazing thing happened to me. Since it's the last week of school, I decided not to care what other people think and ignore their stares just for this week and dressed up the way I have always wanted. I wore my vintage outfit with my skirt and beanie. I got alot of stupid, loathsome stares. Naturally. The whole 'look-at-this-girl-trying-to-show-off' look. But I didn't care. And while I was sitting by myself, rushing through my homework as I was waiting for my group members to come, a hot spanish-looking exchange student came up to me. Thinking he needed directions, I took off my earpiece. Then he came up and actually complimented me on how I looked.

Can you believe that?!

I was so stunned. All I could muster was a choked and stunned 'thank you'. After a pause he walked away and I realized that I should've asked for his name at least. UGH. I AM AN IDIOT. WHAT A WASTE. But what was I to do? This almost never happens. And I hardly ever get compliments, honestly. WOW. Nevertheless, it totally made my day.

The lesson learnt = I should just be myself. Even if it goes against the norm.

ANYWAY, I am gonna try and fall asleep, somehow. Blogging doesn't help and doesn't make me tired at all. I just wish Chuck & Blair would hurry up and confess their undying love for each other.



*sigh* When I watch them, I seriously wish I have a cool boyfriend. But I don't so, for now, I'm listening to Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory (for old time's sake. One of my fave rock albums ever) and Gossip's Music For Men (I will tell y'all more about this AWESOME band another time).

Goodnight! hopefully...

I realized that I only blog when I have work to do. And otherwise, I just waste my time on tumblr. Everytime I have a paper to write, I end up blogging 'cos I am just SO TIRED OF PAPERS. Like essay after essay after essay. Never-ending. I miss the days when writing was all about creative writing and I get to write stories instead of write CRAP. 'Cos that is essentially what I am doing, crapping my way through the paper in hopes of reaching that word target.

I'm currently in my own little bubble where nothing matters and life is just whizzing by without a second glance. Everyone is so pumped about the exams which will be in two weeks time I think? Yeah, well. Everyone's studying their asses off. I dunno for what really. They are all staying back after school till late studying stuff. The thing is, I don't even know what they are studying. And I haven't been studying at all. I've been too busy trying to do up all my essays last minute and too busy with my theatre practical. Uni people have a way of making me feel like hopeless trash. Firstly, they look at you all weird when you dress up. Then they study like there is no tomorrow which makes you feel like a total slacker. And then when you get 'B's and feel happy 'cos you think that isn't bad and that is better than you expected to get, they make you feel like the most underachieving loser by saying, "DAMN IT, I only got a B+! I'm so pissed off. I have to try harder not to get such a lousy grade and get an A next time".

By 'you', I mean me.

Uni makes me sick to my stomach. SICK I TELL YOU SICK. It's a horrible place. And I honestly cannot wait till the end of the exams and vacation arrives. To be honest, I don't really know what I'm doing anymore. I have lost sight of my goal. I have no sight of my future at all. And nothing really makes me happy. I just live for my TV series, food and caffeine.

I know that lately I've been blogging endlessly on how uni sucks. But honestly, that is all I have going on. And that saddens me, 'cos that just means that I have nothing happy going on at all. Plus, my skin has been breaking out like a crazy bitch. I hate it when that happens. I don't even know what I'm stressed about. 'Cos I am currently in suspension. At a point in my life when I don't really care about anything and yet feeling the need to care about something. So I don't really know what it is that is making me so stressed such that I am gaining weight and breaking out. What is it?

I really love my blogger. I love how this blog chronologically shows my growth and my thoughts through the years. And over the years, I grew more and more comfortable expressing my feelings here since no one but some of my close friends read this old thing. I don't feel weird about writing how I feel anymore. Because this is it. This is how I feel. I won't lie about it anymore.

I laugh for a while to distract me from my real problems.


LOVE DRAKE & JOSH. I miss them. They were hilarious. Best nickelodeon show ever. Times were so much simpler then. =)

OKAY I THINK I HAVE WASTED ENOUGH TIME. FINISH MY ESSAY ALREADY!! OMG. I'm the worst procrastinator.

Hello, everyone!

I know I've been posting alot these few days but I can't seem to help myself. Alex Senior (my laptop) is always switched on and I haven't an outlet for all my thought seeing as I somehow lost my journal in the jungle that is my room. ALSO, blogger (and tumblr apparently) is a very good procrastination device.

You will be glad to know that today the swelling went down and I could eat normal foor again. And it's safe to say that I went crazy. I ate everything in sight! Today, I had two cups of coffee, chocolates, cookies, mochi, avocado dessert, papaya and my mum's AWESOME Beef Noodles. And that was just dinner! Now I am high on food and I am feeling pretty good!!

Of course, I know that the glucose will eventually fade into my system and I will be down in the pits again soon. But for now, I feel really good and am singing along to my new favourite band 'The Pretty Reckless'.


UGHH, OMG! I hate the fact that I actually like this band 'cos I tried SOOO hard not to like it. I usually don't judge music. Hence, I like a massive variety of music. BUT the lead singer of this band is none other than Taylor Momsen (aka Jenny Humphrey, the bitch of Gossip Girl who I just wish will die in a car accident or smth in the story so that her character will just die off). The mv was psychotic and kinda disturbing with her stripping in one mv and then the other one, she just looks possessed and was crawling around the table like that girl from Exorcist.

Correction: She looked possessed in BOTH the music videos.

But then I suddenly found the song stuck in my head and when I closed my eyes, I realized that her voice was actually really nice (doesn't match her face AT ALL) and the songs were really good. Then I listened to the whole album and against my will, I LIKED IT ALOT. So now I am constantly listening to them. UGH. Hate myself for that. If only her character wasn't such a blood-sucking demon in Gossip Girl and if only she looked more normal and doesn't try SO HARD to be badass. I mean, you're just 17 for God's sake and you already look dead. That's jumping the gun a little too far, don't you think?

Can you believe it? 3 years younger than me!

DAMN, I feel old now. I AM SO OLD. I miss the days when I can just eat whatever I wanted to without worrying I'll grow fat. And I miss the days when I had energy and when my hair was thicker. Okay, I sound like I'm 50, but whatever.

By the way, Charlie St. Cloud is a good movie! Just thought I should let the world know. Zac Efron is mighty fine in that show.



Maybe it's 'cos Vanessa Hudgen's annoying voice and face wasn't there to make me roll my eyes 900 times, so I could actually stare at the screen and concentrate. Plus, his acting has gotten better. Bottom line, Zac is damn hot in that movie, so you should watch it. OH, and the storyline is decent as well. Although the ending was a little blah and things didn't make sense in the middle, I am willing to close one eye and enjoy the general idea of the story, which is about moving on and accepting death as part of life. Also the fact that there is a reason behind every meeting and a meaning in every life. Second chances are a rare gift. And that pain is there to remind us that we are alive.

That sort of thing.

But seriously, Zac is super hot there. So watch it. =)

OKAY. I am supposed to be writing my paper now, but as usual, I am procrastinating. I should start now so that I can get at least 4 hours of sleep tonight. GO GO GO.