And I imploded.

10:09 PM

Tomorrow is my big political science exam and I can't be bothered with it. I can't be bothered with the exams. I can't be bothered with stupid effed up NUS. Whatever. I'm done. What's the point of working so hard when I get NOTHING in return or no acknowledgment
whatsoever of my efforts? I am not meant to be here 'cos I am just not smart enough okay?! I am NOT SMART ENOUGH. I don't even KNOW wtf I am doing in this place. I don't deserve to be here, seriously. There are thousands of smarter kids out there who would gladly take my place and I feel bad for being a waste of space, resources and money to everyone really.

I am sorry.

For being stupid, okay. I am sorry. So don't expect me to do spectacularly and get some honours program and win awards in this place 'cos I won't. I just won't. And even if I TRY I won't. 'Cos I am just in WAYYYY over my head here. Everyone around me is some sort of genius or at least smarter than me. Even in Theatre Studies, which I THOUGHT I had some talent in, I was proven wrong in the practical exam when they SHREDDED the play I directed into bits. And I had put in SO MUCH fucking effort in the whole thing. And within 20mins of Q&A, (more like let's-just-destroy-their-hopes-time), they CRUSHED me to the point where I had to bite back my tears backstage in the darkness as we strike-out. What's the point really?

And my political science assignment was shit. Eventhough I vested hours and hours into that paper, it came out shit 'cos I am full of shit. And everyone else in that damned place have this habit of unconsciously rubbing in my face how they got SO MUCH better than me and yet they are still dissatisfied. WOW. Thanks. Just when I thought I hit rock bottom, turns out I could be squashed a metre deeper.

Basically, uni is supposed to be a place where knowledge and hidden potential is discovered and you take a step to the right track for the future. But uni in my case just VALIDATED everything I didn't want to know about myself. That I am talentless, dumb and useless. So don't even try 'cos there is no way you can ever be one of the REAL 'undergraduates' around here. Bottom line is: You suck, Hanan, you freakin' suck.

Well, I hear you loud and clear, NUS. I hear you.

So, I shall throw in the towel 'cos all my efforts didn't even scratch that armor of nerd around you. That's it. I don't give a shit anymore. I just want the damned exams to be over, which will be by next week. And I will relish EVERY MOMENT that I away from that stinkin' place after that.

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