7:42 PM

It has been a while since I've updated this. Not because I've been so ridiculously busy being a social butterfly and being the belle of the ball. Quite the opposite really. I've been doing lots of lonely shopping trips where I end up spending an insane amount of money at one go. Also, I am FAR FAR FAR from being the 'belle' of anything 'cos I have been transforming. Although perhaps I shouldn't use the word 'transform', more like 'deform'. Shouldn't it be that as you grow older, you would blossom and become a better looking person? I feel like I'm going the opposite direction. The wrong way, like Benjamin Button. As I grow older I my skin gets worse and worse and I battle with acne and breakouts. Not to mention my body is ridiculously bloating in a horrendous fashion. I literally wanna puke everytime I glance at myself in the mirror. I have NEVER had acne when I was a teen. I mean, sure, I get a occasional pimple. And my skin isn't all that great with blackheads and stuff. But I dun really have to take care of it and it stays relatively clear. Of course, as I am older I pay more attention to it. And the next thing I know, I am facing ACNE. Like wth? Who faces acne when they are adults?? And not when they are teens? IT CREEPS ME OUT.

But to say that I'm traumatised by the recent turn of events and the recent changes in my body is not an exaggeration at all. I was not exactly so happy with my body and face in the first place. So for this to happen… It made me realize that I should've been more grateful back then and at the same time, it made my self-loathing increase exponantially. I cannot BEGIN to describe my horror at the state of my skin. I feel like bursting into tears everyday and now, I am past that point. I am just so close to giving up. I feel like nothing is working. So, today, I decided I would try again. My acne reduced a little in June and now it's BACK with a vengeance and I can't deal with it. I decided okay, I will just switch up my skincare routine. Today, I spent a BOMB. LIKE A HUGE FUCKING BOMB on the Vichy Normaderm skincare line. I was debating between that and Clinique. Clinique had such extremes in reviews. And I didn't like the smell or consistency of their moisturisers and toners. Which I know is a rather dumb thing to put into consideration. I mean, who cares about the smell and feel if it WORKS? But whatever, I decided to buy the Vichy line first.

I went to a specialist booth so that they can do the skin test thingy on me. Upon which I realized that I have the worst skin type in the world. Very oily, acne-prone and dehydrated skin. WHUT? It's like the 'worst of both worlds'. I'm just glad I'm not sensitive as well. 'Cos that would just suck. So, I have deformed from normal/combination skin to oily, acne-prone/dehydrated skin. GREAT. And since there are so many skincare lines that target acne-prone skin, it's hard to match it with dehydrated skin. Thankfully, Vichy is one that supposedly targets acne without drying out the skin. We'll see how it goes. I had such a difficult time finally deciding to go with Vichy. There were so many other brands out there. I didn't know whether to get ProActiv, La Roche-posay or splurge on Dermalogica or Murad or Mario Badescu… Omg, my head was literally spinning. And it didn't help that most of my friends have great skin. I couldn't ask for their opinions 'cos their skin is normal and nowhere near as bad as mine. The only other person I know with Acne got hers treated at a dermatologist. And I ain't got that kind of money for consultations AND prescriptive skincare. I wish I could just get Roaccutane and be rid of of acne once and for all. I would rather have dry skin than oily, acne-prone skin any day. But well, sadly, I dun have the money. If all else fails though… I would just save enough money to go to a derm and get pills.

Last time, my relatively bad skin was still conceal-able. I could give the illusion of good skin, at the very least. But now, it is SO BAD, like SO HORRENDOUSLY bad (I'm talking 'before' pics at skincare ads bad) that even make-up cannot conceal it anymore. Not even with thick liquid foundation and good quality concealer and foundation powder. I feel like I cannot show my face to the world. Not that I'm saying that ppl care. That the world revolves around my face. I'm just saying that I can't look at ppl straight on, knowing that they would be distracted by all the shit that is going on in my face. This is not just that ONE zit girls tend to get at that time of the month. THIS IS ACNE. Something I never had to deal with even when I was a kid. Not to mention I've already accumulated some acne scarring from my previous batch of breakouts. 'Cos by now they are constant. I get breakout batch after breakout batch, without a pause or any period where my skin is clear. I am not kidding.

So there we go, this is what I've been battling these few days. I wasn't gonna blog about it. But it's impossible to hide my skin. So might as well, just address my issue here. I can't believe that on my 21st year, I have to start my battle with acne. When I never needed to when I was a hormonal teen. It honestly just baffles me. I have to apologize if I may go MIA or disappear from gatherings and stuff. But I honestly dun think I am fit for public. I feel way too self-conscious. The only reason I go out is for work and it's not like I have a choice there. I am truly, truly, truly extremely hideous at the moment. Like just plain ugly. Gaining weight, disgusting skin… it's the stuff out of horror movies.

Whatever little self-esteem I had, it just evaporates into nothingness the moment I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror and am reminded of how ugly I have become. Oh, God. What happened?

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