Actually, I initially wanted to talk about City Alive! 2011, which I went to with Diyanah and Munira. I had tons of fun that night. I didn't sleep a wink (as usual) but this time it was doing something worthwhile and fun. I danced all night on my 4 inch heels till 4am and then went to Starbucks to chat and wait til the sun came up and the train started running again. I think it was one of the best nights ever. There is just something about the dance floor (eventhough it's packed with gross people sometimes) that makes me feel so much more alive. I dance all my worries away and gain the confidence I never have in real life. I'm not an especially good dancer, but I'm not horrible. I can just do the basic dancing. Girls are lucky 'cos all they have to do is shake their asses in order to 'dance'. Only on the dance floor do I feel pretty and attractive.

ONLY AT THAT FLEETING MOMENT.

Most of the time, and I've been thinking about this alot, I really wanna change everything about myself. Sometimes I think that is the only way I will be happy? This is the first time I ever acknowledged it in public, but I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. I don't wish to pretend and put up a fake facade in order to get in people's good graces. I think that's why my blog is slowly becoming a place of self-reflection rather than a place where I write about the happenings in my life. After all, let's be honest here, nothing ever happens in my life that is worth dedicating a blog to. So now I feel like I can write about stuff that is truly me.

Fact is, I don't like how I look. And fact is, I wanna change it, everything. From my hair, my face to the tips of my toes and feet. And before everyone start judging me for being a melodramatic wannabe who is a complete ingrate for the completely functioning body that she has. Before you do that, please understand that I have always been in the shadow of gorgeous/talented/smart people my whole entire life. If you look at my cousins and friends and the people around me in general, you will understand. They all sorts of thin and pretty. And I'm all sorts of inadequate. And I think people should stop lying to my face in order to be nice to me.

My lack of a high IQ can't be changed but my appearance can.

Maybe I can even nip and tuck myself into a different person. And I can be not me. I can be someone better and the person that I wanna be. Then maybe, only then will I be happy. And perhaps only then will find somebody and excel in things. 'Cos this new person is not me. She's different. Prettier and a social butterfly. She charms people and gets good job offers. 'Cos she is content, she can pursue anything she wants. She has confidence.

That's why until I'm her, my life is meaningless.

Don't even get me started on the shit that has been going on in gossip girl. Honestly, THIS is how I feel 90% of the time.



And all I can think about is THIS:



First of all, CHUCK and that Raina chick... WTF, writers of Gossip Girl?! HOW IS IT that this girl (who's father is trying to dismantle and destroy Chuck's ONLY reason for living which the Bass empire) come waltzing in with her boring-as-fuck business girl personality and ordinary face into Chuck's life and after mere episodes Chuck miraculously FALLS IN LOVE WITH HER?!



GOD. How is that even possible? When Blair took literally seasons in order to win Chuck's total affection. And how is that possible after what Chuck and Blair had (or have) together?! C'mooooonnnnn! And after Chuck's confession to that Raina chick, the girl left 'cos of her daddy issues and 'cos Chuck doesn't value family?? COME ON!! You can do better than this.

This season is driving me crazy... In the wrong way. I am so frustrated at how the story is coming along and how screwed up the plot became. And honestly, who gives a rat's ass about this 'BEN' person in which the entire season is based upon. He is the reason Juliet even came into the picture and even NOW when Juliet is gone, The Ben and Serena story is beginning and I am ALREADY bored. WHERE THE HELL did this BEN person come from anyway?! And couldn't the casting directors have picked a BETTER looking person to play such an 'important' character? So that when Serena and Ben kiss, I don't cringe all the time.


They need to realize that the series is called 'Gossip Girl' and not 'Ben' or 'Prison Break'. Where is Gossip Girl?! She is narrating less and less. They hardly even go to her site anymore. She's practically non-existent. It's no longer about the main characters anymore. It's all about Ben, Nate's father, Juliet, Raina, Chuck's company and Blair's new job. WHERE DID THE NJBC GO?!! If they don't want Chuck and Blair to be together again (although I have no IDEA why 'cos they are MADE for each other) then FINE. But couldn't the writers at least let the NJBC stay together.


And what is this THING that is going on between Blair and Dan?! I dun mind if they dun hate each other's guts. That's okay. But if they EVER EVER EVER get romantically involved, I will freakin' go mad and perhaps stop watching the show altogether. 'Cos now I know that the writers are just plain desperate and their brains are a complete DEVOID of ideas and common sense. Blair CANNOT fall for the Boy from Brooklyn. 'Cos she's BLAIR WALDORF. Her last love was (is) Chuck Bass. HOW CAN SHE FALL SO FAR DOWN THE SOCIAL LADDER and end up with a frumpy boy from Brooklyn (aka Serena's leftover trash)?!!! Sure, they can be friends and occasionally exchange a witty conversation but otherwise... God, I dunno what will happen anymore. I can't even... AARRGHHH!!



The quality is seriously going down. Serena needs to go back to her partying days and screwing up. Giorgina needs to come back a stir something up (ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN THIS). Blair needs to bring her bitchy back and be climbing the social ladder again. Chuck needs to be BAD again and GOOD to Blair. And Nate needs to be a manslut again. Lily needs to stop acting childish and be sophisticated and wise like she used to. JENNY needs to back.

And this is saying something 'cos I fucking HATE Jenny Humphrey. But even she adds spice to the awesome concoction that was once Gossip Girl. Where's the sabotaging, the plotting, the social elitism?!

And most of all, where's Chuck and Blair?!! They made everything better.