eve of 2011

1:34 PM


New Year's Eve has arrived and in a few hours it will be 2011. I dunno why it's a big deal actually. I will be the same person in the next few hours and there will be no huge monumental change that will signify the beginning of a new year. Not for me at least. I guess, it just feels like I am back at the beginning and we all have to start figuring things out all over again and start making plans.

WARNING: I have to give y'all a heads up 'cos I have a feeling that will be a lengthy and wordy post. Which I think is understandable since I will be reflecting on my year and contemplating the year ahead.

I dunno, but I have this feeling I changed quite alot this year. I feel that I am a different person, and not just because I have hit the two-zero mark in my life and have officially exited my teen years. Not only that, I dunno if the changes are all good. It seems like the older I get, the more jaded and angsty I get. I just have all this pent up anger that I never even had when I was a kid. Also, I realized that it gets harder to feel genuinely happy. I can say that I am and smile the brightest smile ever, but it takes effort. That feels strange 'cos I never felt that before. Happiness seemed rather effortless back then.

Now not so much.

The first half of 2010 was the BEST time of my life. It really truly was, and I will never forget it. I was working at a bank, earning money. Being responsible and mature. Then I had the best holiday ever to Korea, alone with my best friend. It was nothing but lovely memories. That was my peak, I think. My hair was long and luscious. I loved how I looked. I loved my clothes. And I loved my body 'cos I was skinny back then. I was happy with myself and my life.

Then the second half of 2010 was total shit, after my birthday celebrations, things just went downhill. And when school at NUS started, it was a cliff dive straight to the bottom. I got super stressed, and I ate unhealthily. I gained weight. I couldn't do really well in school simply 'cos I am just not as smart as the geniuses who are enrolled there. They study 24/7. They do their readings and extra readings and ... UGH. Basically everything I am not. I felt out of place. Not making any real impact, or any true friends. I was lost, overwhelmed and I started hating myself. Hated all my shortcomings, which I seemed to have an abundance of.

The only good thing about the second half of 2010 was My Chemical Romance releasing a new CD and Gossip girl season 4. That's it.

Furthermore, I had to spend the second half of 2010 without one of my best friends, Jenny, who flew off to study in UK. So, it was alot lonelier without her by my side.

Speaking of lonely, here I am spending my new year's eve, at home, by myself, on my third cup of coffee for the day (I seriously think I might drowning myself in it today. No Kidding) and two chocolate bars and a pack of oat cookies. Ready to countdown to a new year. Sounds pretty pathetic and to be honest it kinda is. I initially wanted to go roller-blading. I really want to go REALLY REALLY badly. But you know how it is. Everyone else had plans with either their families, other friends, boyfriends or had work. So I'm here alone at home, in front of my laptop, biting into my DARS milk chocolate bar and finishing my third cup of coffee, ready to brew another cup in a moment. I'm probably gonna watch another movie, while curled up in bed with all my desserts. It's raining outside, so that's perfect.

Not exactly the way I wanted to start my new year.

But then again, it's just another day. And the me in the next few hours won't change much from the me that is typing this post out now. Maybe I'll be about 3kg heavier and kinda high-strung from all the sugar and caffeine I ingested in the last 24hours. But that's about it, really.

OKAY. I will leave you with my fave pictures of 2010. And the old me. I hope 2011 will be better and even more memorable.

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