The Prolonged Depression

6:03 PM

It has been a really long time since I've blogged and I kindda miss it. But I have never really had the time to do so. Simply because I am ... TRYING to studying. Guess what? The prelims are already here. In fact, I just had my Higher Mother Tongue prelims today. And I am feeling so depressed I had to blog about it. Yes, I am in a diar situation here. I know I'm whining but whatever. I need an outlet for all my depressing thoughts and this is the only place I can think off. So let me just warn you before you continue any further. This following entry will be filled with all my deepest darkest and most depressing thoughts (excluding death 'cos I just don't like to think about that). SO, if you are feeling happy. DO NOT (and I repeat, DO NOT!!) read this entry. Thank you for your kind attention. Now, I'm going to go in the ZONE...

Holy CRAP! I have officially screwed up my life. My first three months will be spent in some weird JC which probably took me in out of mercy and/or pity at my poor soul. The Higher Malay paper was tough. But that's just MY opinion. And I was like the ONLY one in the entire freakin' class who looked like the world was about to end at the end of that paper. Everyone else were either relieved or smiling or even indifferent. But NO ONE else had the, 'my-life-is-over' look but me. The day statrted out with me panicking about one thing after another. I panicked about my peribahasa which I have been trying to memorise for the past TWO WEEKS and yet STILL, nothing diffuses into this thick skull of mine. Hit my head and you will hear a sloshing sound. And yes, that would be my brain which has officially turned into a puddle in my head. Then, I panicked about my Kamus which I could not take early that morning as I left it in Diyanah's locker for safe-keeping. I thought I was going to die but thank God, Cikgu Asnah managed to get the shutters open and I could retrieve the dictionary in time. First was paper one. I am just praying that Cikgu Asnah will mark with some form of mery. At least I tried my best. I pray that she will give me more than a just-pass because I SERIOUSLY need it after my paper two. Which was disasterous to say the least. This time I am not even being melodramatic about it. I am not even close to exaggerating. I seriously screwed that paper up and I don't think I will ever get over this. Usually, since it's MALAY of all subjects, I would be okay in about and hour or two. But this is the PRELIMS!! This is as important (if not more) as the O'levels itself!! I can't afford to screw this up! Abit too late for regrets now, I know, but I can't help but feel really crappy.

I sort of knew something like this would happen so I begged my mum to give me the money to buy myself a new pair of school shoes. I am currently wearing my sister's one as my last one was totally ruined. She was willing to pay about one quarter of this Nike shoe which I have been eyeing since I saw it. I was like, "Wooh! I wished I had THAT shoe to go to school in!" But at that time, my school shoes weren't in the sorry state as they are in right now. So, now I have to oppurtunity to buy them. It's actually pretty expensive since it's Nike and all but it's sooooo gorgeous. Even if it is all white. So, I finally saved up some what enough money to buy them. And I knew somehow I won't feel too happy after my mother tongue paper so, I decided to use my shoes as a motivation for me to work hard. It worked actually. I studied (surprisingly) quite substantially. But at the end of that paper, my mum told me to go to Takashimaya as they had this Sports Goods sale and there are some good bargains. So, I went all the way there to shop for shoes all by myself. Yes, my life is sad.

There I couldn't find any Nike shoes for sale but I found some Converse, Kappa, Everlast, Pony and all sorts of other brands. I had to look around for a white shoe. The only ones I could find had a little bit of colour in them. the one with the least colour (as in a colour other than white) on it was this white Kappa shoe with some red design on the logo and the sole. I suppose it looked okay. But it was NOWHERE NEAR as hot as the Nike shoe that I truly wanted (which was located at Northpoint, just so you know). I called my mum and Halim and Diyanah 'cos I couldn't make up my mind. My heart says buy the Nike shoes but my head says buy the Kappa shoes 'cos they are more practical. They aren' pretty but I'm only going to be using them for a few more months. And since I was by myself, I felt so handicapped. And my mum wanted me to buy the cheaper ones. Then she gave me this really long talk and in the end said it's up to me, but actually it's not REALLY up to me 'cos she just wanted lead me on a guilt trip to those Kappa shoes. And Diyanah understood how I felt. In the end, I bought this other shoe because I just can't stand the Kappa shoe. I think it looked so ugly. I bought this Everlast shoe instead though it has some gold-ish/brown design on it. I hope it's okay.

And so, I had an awful prelim experience and I couldn't even get the Nike shoe which I have worked for. Sure, I know there are bigger problems in the world and I'm being self-centred but this is a case of my sanity. Well, it's not like I deserved the Nike shoes anyway. If I had studied harder or done better, I probably deserved it. Which is another reason I bought the other shoe. (Lit student talking now) The shoe I bought myself instead is like a symbol. It was the right and responsible decision. It doesn't make me as happy as the other one would, but it's practical. If I had deserved the Nike shoes, I probably would've bought it for myself no matter what. But I knew I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve it.

And so, I'll be having my Bio Practical on Monday. And then, English paper 1 & 2. Followed by Chem practical the next day. I dunno how I'm going to squeeze in time to make the teachers something for Teacher's Day next Friday. And then, we have one week before all the prelim papers blast us. I couldn't believe how fast everything is coming. I just want everything to just stop. Let me breathe, for God's sake! It was like I knew it was coming and I just turned away for one second and the next thing I know it's right behind me. Ready to pounce on me. And I'm not ready. Far from it. And it's not like I can stop time or whatever. I'll just get attacked by the freaky monster called the Prelims.

Holy shit. I'm terrified.

I think that's enough emoing for one entry. I think I'll go get myself some nice songs to sing along to. (Before hitting Bio)

I swear that you don't have to go
I thought we could wait for the fireworks
I thought we could wait for the snow
To wash over Georgia and kill the hurt
I thought I could live in your arms
And spend every moment I had with you
Stay up all night with the stars
Confess all the faith that I had in you
Too late...

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